Psychotherapy

In the past decade, I’m sure you have read or seen many articles and blogs on the importance of self-care. As a society that is trying to encourage a more wellness-based lifestyle, it’s hard to miss the variety of marketing focused on the concept. Even with all the information given to us, many people struggle with incorporating a self-care agenda into their daily lives.

So what is the definition of self-care? In a nutshell, self-care is being able to care for yourself by identifying your personal needs and taking steps to meet them. From a basic life skills perspective, are you feeding, clothing, and financially supporting yourself? But if we look at self-care from a wellness point of view, it is any deliberate activity that you do in order to balance and care for your mental, emotional, and physical health. Are you attentive to your stress levels? Are you mindful of your diet? Are you doing things that bring joy to your life?

Now trying to develop a self-care plan may seem overwhelming due to cost or time requirements based on the more prominent suggestions that are presented – spa visits, vacations, gym memberships, starting a hobby, etc. This is counterproductive to the purpose of the plan. But does self-care truly require such investments? Does it have to look like someone else’s self-care plan? Is it selfish to have a self-care plan?

Throughout my journey of self-care, I have found that the more time consuming or costly activities are amazing, but the intentional in the moment options have been my saving grace. I’ve learned that one minute of self-care is just as important as one-hour of self-care. Here are five self-care ideas from my bucket of options that can be incorporated into your daily routine:

Learn breathing exercises that can be performed while showering, driving, or during an anxious moment. (Ex. Square Breathing, 4-7-8 Breath)
Find or develop encouraging affirmations that are visibly posted in your home or office.
Indulge in a mindful moment while preparing your morning beverages/breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. (Take in the sound of the coffee brewing, take care in how you fill your lunch bag, enjoy the fragrance of fresh fruits)
Download a meditation app on your cell phone that offers short one to five-minute meditation options.
Have a vitamin-D moment – take a step outside for a few minutes or make the walk to your car more meaningful. (take in the sights, smells, and sounds that surround you)

An important guideline to follow when implementing a self-care routine is to do it out of self-compassion. There may be a trial and error period that you will experience before you find your ideal flow, but please don’t throw in the towel. Remember that the purpose of your efforts is to be your best self as much as possible. Once you find what works, be sure to be deliberate, purposeful, and continuous with your plan. Go have a joyful self-care moment.

Check out Dr. Kelli’s Wellness Channel interview – https://youtu.be/cN-NT_BeiIw

Therapists are taught early on that we should avoid the cornering “Why” when helping a client. For the client, it may feel as though they are being interrogated and expected to have an answer to every one of life’s questions. What I’ve come to realize is that “Why” should be avoided as much as possible in our daily conversations, especially with children.

Our knee jerk reaction to a child’s mistake or inappropriate behavior is to immediately ask, “Why did you do it?” If we pay close attention to their body language and facial expressions, we will notice that they become tensed and somewhat distressed. Our first assumption is that the child was intentional in her action and attempting to hide the truth, so our response is usually stern and accusatory. Now let’s take a step back and think about the last time you were asked the same question…how did it make you feel? Even for something as simple as, “why didn’t you return a call?,” you immediately feel as though you have to provide the best possible response in hopes that the recipient will validate your actions. And sometimes we find that we are not providing a truthful response.

More frequently than not, children may not have a clear explanation of why something happened. They usually respond with one of the following explanations:

I don’t know…
I didn’t do it…
Or proceed to place blame on someone or something else.

As adults, we have to be careful not to validate a child’s excuse-making habits by demanding a quick response to the cornering “Why?” As children improve their excuse-making skills, they start to find ways of not being accountable for inappropriate behavior or even basic mistakes. Ownership and responsibility are life skills that can be encouraged at a young age.

So how do we avoid the cornering “Why?” First, recognize that the child may need assistance in processing why they decided an action is okay. Talking about the behavior will assist the child in determining what’s okay and not okay in future situations. Secondly, if there is noticeable tension or stress between the two of you, suggest the coping skill of stepping away for a bit to a quiet space. This allows for you and the child to gather your thoughts to facilitate a calm conversation at a later time. Finally, if there is a consequence that needs to be attached to the situation, be sure that it is logical and not beyond the scope of the inappropriate behavior.

Ultimately, we want the child to understand that making a mistake is a natural human behavior and adults are here to help them to process and grow from the mistake. As we assist a child in processing various mistakes or not okay behaviors, we are encouraging the life skills of accountability, conflict resolution, and understanding personal actions and consequences. So the next time you find yourself wanting to ask the cornering “Why?” take a step back and ask yourself, “Is this a helpful question to ask?”

Be well

Self-Compassion Advocate

Category: Psychotherapy

In the Moment Self-Care

The Corner of “Why”